So this is my problem. I get all gung-ho about someting (blogging) that I do it impulsively (write as many as three posts a day and save them as drafts to seem like I have some iota of a life) but then at some point, the excitement is nothing more than a dim light of “eh, I guess I could, but oh look, something shiny” and get totally distracted, and then eventually I drop it all together and seem like I dissappeared off the face of the planet.

But I have a butt load of excuses! School, single-as-in-singular-not-free parenting, exams that my professors scheduled right after one another with no time to actually breath, and other stuff  like…life.

Some days I’d want to say something, but not have anything to relay and if it’s really bad, I won’t be able to even look at the WordPress homepage.

I still don’t have anything to say, really, but you know what? I’m pretty good at talking about not having anything to talk about. Which ends up being something to talk about. This is sort of sensical, I think.

And now, a series of unrelated yet somewhat mentionable facts:

• Aiman is a full blown toddler, which means I’m full-blown mess trying to keep up with him.
• Almost everyone I know with a child close to Aiman’s age is having their second and they’re all due soon.
• I realized this semester that I’ve been in the same region of campus for the last 3 1/2  years and that there’s a huge chunk of campus that I’m unfamiliar with.
• I have finally started to like chocolate again. It was gross during my pregnancy and for some time after, but now I’m reunited with my favorite dark chocolate.
• There is something purely magically in every single cup of chocolate pudding. I’ve had one almost every night for two weeks. Hello double chin!

Hmm, I can’t seem to muster up enough brain juice to think of anything else although I promise there were more random things floating around in my head.

Well that will do for now, I suppose, but posting? Yeah, that’ll be sporadic. Well, until things sort of calm down in the future. Goodness, I sure hope they calm down.

If you don’t hear from me for some time, just remember that I’ll most likely be:

a) passed out by 10ish like I have been lately

or

b) eating pudding and thinking about what to write.

Let’s rewind to two weeks ago when I was anxious, but a little excited? No, “excited” isn’t the word. I would say “sort of anticipating” the whole daycare situation and having some time to do homework and what not because it’s near impossible to do anything school-related without time to myself. So he was there for Tuesday and Thursday of that week and I can not even begin to explain the guilt that I went through. But that’s natural, you know? Well, the guilt felt natural to me and I honestly felt terrible, terrible, terrible, leaving him there with people he’s never known except for the few days that we visited the center. And then he was spending so much time with them? He didn’t take that well. At all.

They said it was just the adjustment period and that the longer and more frequently he stayed there, the better the adjustment would be, which makes sense. He was going for only Tuesdays and Thursdays and they said that the kids that were there almost everyday, or at least for three days consecutively “handled it” better than those that weren’t. And like I said, that makes sense. But was I going to leave him there for more days and for longer periods of time?

Hell. no.

I was completely blindsided by how much it was an adjustment for me as much as it was for Aiman. And I can say that neither of us took it well. Every time I went to pick him up, he was crying and dishevled, but eh, he’s a toddler–it happens. But then I noticed that he was having what I call the crying hiccups. The ones when you’ve been crying so hard, for so long, that your body sort of heavily ”hiccups”. I can’t think of the word right now, but point is that kiddo was crying for a very long time.

Every time I called, they said that he was fine! He was snacking! He was napping! He’ssss fiiinnneee! Oh and the napping was another thing. He would sleep for about 30 minutes while he was there, which is far shorter than the 2 hour naps he would take at home. Which, hey, again, I understand is the “adjustment” part of it, but an overtired baby that evening is not what I need with work to do.

Anyways, the two days weren’t going well for the both of us. And especially for my tendency to be deeply emotionally invested in something like MY BABY.

THEN!

Then something totally unexpected and incredibly relieving happened. That same weekend my mom was available to watch Aiman during the days I was going to be on campus and even Wednesdays for me to get work done.

A-freakin’-meen!

So that following Tuesday Aiman stayed at home with his grandma and would you believe me if I said that the kid was clean, happy, and a great mood when I came home? He even raised up his hand and said “Hi” like “Oh me and my grandma are just having a grand ol’ time. Nice of you to join us!”

SUCH RELIEF.

And that’s been the story since last week: go to class, study/do work worry free, and come home to a happy baby.

Needless to say, I like this story much, much better.

I can only call it “baby pudge” for so long.

And as far as actually working out, let’s just say that the ugliest thing you can possibly imagine would have been prettier.

ACTION!: [Insert Exercise Boot Camp DVD into player]

Ok Amira, we can do this. It’s been a while since you even thought about pumping muscles, but we can do this.

Hi There! Welcome to Boot Camp, I’m your host Sherry Jenson.* Thanks for joining us today! Let’s get started with our cardio workout with some arm pumps, side to side.

Hello Sherry. You seem very chipper. This is a good start -nice and slow.

Yeah! You’re doing a great job! Now lets add some squats with each pump.

Squat and pump. Squat and pump. Alright! Bring it on Sherry– I’m going to be HAWT in no time. *snicker, snort, snicker*

Now let’s start our 30 second cardio-run. Let’s get those knees up and jog in place. JOG! JOG! JOG! Knees up!

I love jogging! (sweating intensified; shirt lacking any dry areas)

And 3,2,1! Good job everyone! Okay let’s lets take it down a notch and work on our middle and lower bodies at the same time now.

Look Sherry, one at a time. I can do ONE BODY SECTION AT A TIME.

Now lets shuffle side to side. Then add squats and jump up high after each shuffle.

Shuffle…Shuffle…Squat…(panting like an animal)

Elham runs in: “Did we get a dog?!”

And now let’s pick up the speed aaaaand SHUFFLE, SHUFFLE, SQUAT, JUMP!

Slow IS my top speed.

Good job everyone! Okay next get on your back and let’s bring right elbow to your left knee. Switch and repeat!

This is asking too much of the baby pudge.

Pick up the pace! And 1, and 2, and 3 go, go,go!

And 1, and 2, and 5, and G, and BIRD!, and 7, and  @#%!$ (a lack of oxygen reaching my brain)

(3 sets of 5 push-ups and T-stands later….)

And second to last, lets do 3 sets of  jumping jacks paired with two punches from each arm. So jump, jump, punch, punch -3 times! We’re almost done!

I CAN NOT BREATH. MY HEART. MY LUNGS.

Good job! Lastly, lets take it down slowly to do our stretches.

(———–flat lined————)

After my partial death unconsciousness, I somehow made it upstairs, and Heaven knows the freakin’ stairs have never been so long and so steep in all of my life, to shower and put my broken self back together again. Like Humptey Dumptey. Are you shaking your head in my cheesiness? I’m shaking my head, too.

I think I’m supposed to make all of this some sort of routine to “better my health,” but you tell me, internet, what good is health if getting healthy kills you first!**

* Her name is not really “Sherry Jenson”

**Although initially I lack the motivation to do it, I do honestly enjoy exercising. But what was depicted is an accurate portrayal.***

***That’s a lie.

Woo-hoo!

I am so lovin’ this semester and really, really excited to go back after such a long break; for me, the break was practically two moths long because my classes ended so early. Anyways, I’m one of those people who genuinely loves being in a classroom,walking around campus, and eventually, if I’m bored for too long, will…miss….studying.

I can’t believe I let that out of my head and out for the world to know, but it’s true. I love being in school. Now ask me if I love it so much in the thick of the semester when everything for every class comes crashing down on me and I start breaking out in stressful hives* and twitch with the anxiety of back to back test for these heavy-duty sciences course that require at least 3 hours each of study time, which means 9 minmum hours a day just for studying, but I have to take care of this little human and try to sleep at some point because I think I’m starting to be immuned to coffee and need stronger…measures. Whewh. Got that?

Yeah, so ask me again how I feel about my classes and this semester in the two months. Or don’t. If you’d like to keep your head. It’s your call.

In other news, since Saad isn’t here to care for Aiman while I’m at school like last semester, we’ve reluctantly and forcefully given in to putting him in a daycare/pre-school. But I shouldn’t say “reluctantly” and “forcefully” because we knew it was a long time coming. Eventually it was going to happen, but I’m glad we were able to put it off until he turned 1. Well we would’ve loved to hold off even more, and ideally not have to place him in daycare at all, but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

Saad and I visited and researched a bunch of places and finally settled on one we both felt the most comfortable with, but still. The entire idea doesn’t sit well with either of us. And don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with putting your child in daycare or any care service you choose. It’s your child and I understand families doing what’s best for them, because that’s what we’re having to do for us. But ideally, if we could, we’d have him at home.

Anyway.

We took him in twice before yesterday to familiarize with the place, kids, and adults and when the time came for me to leave, he whined a little, but was fine when Miss Sharon** started telling him a story. I called in a couple of times and he seemed fine all day.

Here’s where my guilt lies: He was there alllll day. Much longer than I wanted, but I had unexpected troubles with adding to a class that I ended up not needing to graduate and blah blah blah. Anyways from now on and with my new schedule he’ll only be there for 5 hours max, including traffic time.

People! They even got him to nap! Do you understand how monumental that is?! The only aspect of caring for Aiman that stresses me the hell out is his sleeping. HE. MUST. NAP. AND. NEVER. BE. OVERTIRED.

And even more spectacular than that is that he napped IN A CRIB! Shut uuuuuup! Granted he only slept for 45 min, which is much shorter than his regular nap time, but he did it in a crib.

And in other, other news, guess who got off her lazy fat ass and worked out yesterday? The same lazy fat ass who desperately craved a cinnamon roll and a chocolate filled pasty the morning after her work out.  Unfortunately, said lazy fat ass didn’t have either and settled for cereal and coffee.

So this working out thing is pretty refreshing. And my heart? It’s just about exploded. And my lungs? They did explode.

Picture heavy panting, drowning in sweat, and weezing.

Lets do it again tomorrow!

*I don’t break out in hives, but the visual is an accurate illustration of what may as well happen.

**Her real name is not Miss Sharon.

The whole afternoon took a weird turn right at the very end when I was getting ready to leave.

You see, I put Aiman on a bench to put on his shoes and coat before stepping outside, when there was this semi-elderly woman standing nearby. When she heard Aiman’s jibberish monologue, she chuckled and walked over to us and then asked if “he was mine.” I said yes, smiled, and continued dressing Aiman.

Then she asked how old I was, to which I answered “twenty-two” and then! Then, then, then. The woman sighed heavily and shaking her head said “Oh no, you’re so young. That is unfortunate.”

[Insert really loud Scooby Doo "Huuuuuugh???"]

“Excuse me?”

“You are so young to have a baby. People do not have children young in this country.”

“Well, actually they do, but that’s a different issue. And age is not the best measure of a person’s maturity.”

Then the woman told me about how she had her son when she was 18 and that he’s 15 now, blah blah blah. I was too offended to hear much more.

Then I said that my husband and I wanted children and that we feel beyond fortunante to have Aiman in our lives.

Another lady came in and asked the woman if she could help her with something and they were gone.

I was boiling over on my way to my car because who says that sort of crap?! While buckeling Aiman into his car seat I thought that maybe she regretted having her son at 18 or maybe she didn’t have a choice back in her country or, or, or. I try to give excuses and forgive. You know, try to “see their perspective,” but just how incredibly rude of someone to say that to a mother while her child is right there with her! Especially when the person had a baby at a younger than the mother she’s speaking to.

I mean, just seriously, what the heck?

I think it bothered me so much because I hate when people think that any baby born to a “young” mother or couple, was automatically an accident or a mistake. Aiman was so deeply wanted and longed for that there isn’t a millisecond in our lives where we ever think of him in such a way. The thought never, ever crosses our minds. He was a surprise, yes, but a super delightful surprise. Plus, you can only be careless to an extent before you should expect such a “surprise.”

Another thing is that I absolutely love motherhood, even as young as I am; even with it’s hard, dirty work; even with it’s monumental pressure to not screw up a human being’s life and especially because of the innumerable things I get in return including experiencing the purest and fiercest of love.

Oh and I’m sure she feels like children chain you down, leash you for some time, from your own career or life plans, but you know what? You don’t even know how precious and absolutely magical life is until you have children. I still have my ambitions and I’m not letting motherhood be an “excuse” because if you’re determined enough, if you’re serious enough about your dreams, then there are no excuses.

I am loving this time in my life, things can always be better, but I’m very thankful for what and who I have.

So save your pity for someone who needs it.

We left the party and he fell asleep on the car ride home, like I hoped he would. Usually I pack his PJ’s in my diaper bag and change his diaper and into his PJ’s before we leave somewhere if it’s getting close to his bed time so that if  and when he falls asleep in the car, then I just have to put him down when we get home and all is good! You don’t understand how delighted I was about this whole plan when I first thought of it and even more so when it worked so flawlessly.

IIIII’m-a-genius.

Well last night I forgot his PJ’s but it was okay because I switched him out of his clothes when we got home but just when I thought I was in the clear to leave the room, Aiman sat straight up and laughed. Like GOTCH! I’m not sleeping!

CRAP.

So I laid down next to him and FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER, he was finally asleep enough for me to tip-toe out. But goodness! FORTY-FIVE MINUTES! I don’t posses that sort of patience. Saad does. But I don’t.

Later I looked up ways to help a toddler learn how to fall asleep on his own AND to back to sleep if he wakes up because Aiman will sit up and wait for me to come in and lay down with him. Which was fine during this time I had off, but when school starts? Every minute counts and I won’t have 45 minutes to use laying down when I could use it for homework or studying.

I found that any and all methods that don’t require cry-it-out take only forever and more, but I guess it’s the trade off. I only wish I started earlier during this break instead of the few days before school starts, but better late than never. I guess.

And maybe, just maybe, this time we’ll make some progress before I give up because stamina is not one of my traits.

Anyway like I mentioned Aiman woke up every single hour last night and then was up for the day at FIVE! I went to bed late because I was talking to Saad, and just as I was about to fall asleep, Aiman was up. GAAAAH. Why!?

So for the rest of the night he either burrowed into me, digging with his feet. Think about that. He was digging into my stomach, specifically where my C-section scar is, with his feet. It was like a gut-squishing, extra painful, Indian burn X’s 2. Or if not that then he was climbing on my face (because he doesn’t climb on my chest anymore) and try to bundle up on me in my head-neck region. Basically suffocating me.

When he was finally awake for good (AT FIVE!) he started walking all over the bed. Walking. Not crawling. Walking and tripping over the sheets and comforter. So I held one of his ankles to keep him from falling off of the bed because it was the only amount of energy I had.

Aaaaaand a really big cup of coffee later, here I am.

But you know what? This isn’t the first time that he left for something this big, but it doesn’t get any easier to say good-bye or deal with the reality of our situation. For the last four and a half years of our marriage, there was nothing more that Saad and I wanted than to always be together wherever we are or wherever we go-we just had to be together and as long as we were, then all would be fine. But school, family, expectations, and now a new layer of responsibility with our baby is forcing us to face the one single truth that we’ve been trying to avoid for the last two years: we have to be apart for at least 4 months. This year alone. It’s such a long complicated tale, but just know that it sucks like nothing else.

The only reason I haven’t broken down crying  is because at least this time when he left, I have Aiman to keep me busy and running around. Last time I was all by myself and the reality was just that much harder to deal with. I thought “Well, surely, this time is won’t be as bad because I’m a mom! And I’ll be busy with Aiman, so I won’t have time to think about him not being here and I won’t be depressed about it.”

Wrong.

Like I said, I made it 5 days. And barely, really.

Five days! Which is nothing compared to 4 more months to go.

I don’t know if I can handle four more months because I feel like it’s already been four months. It doesn’t matter how busy I get, even with school starting next week, it will still weigh me down.

And it’s so selfish of me to lament on how much I miss him when he’s the one completely alone and having to settle in a place he’s not familiar with. At least I have both of our families here, but my husband? No, he’s completely alone and dealing with the last minutes stresses of getting ready for a new school and finances in a place where he doesn’t know a single soul. He’s one of the strongest and most resilient people I know.

I normally smell his clothes because, well, a) I love the way he smells and b) I just do that sort of thing. So I’ve sniffing some of the clothes he left here so hard that my lungs should’ve exploded. Then I realized that I might inhale all of his scent at once and there won’t be enough to last until he comes back and decided to ration it out until May.

MWOGIUHIO2UHORWJHGOJSBVNFFS!

Ugh, I just want him home. I don’t like this. I hate it, hate it, hate it, but it’s all for the better in the future and that’s the most important thing in the end. To build our future.

When Saad was here, my favorite part of the day was our mornings, especially weekend mornings. We’d all wake up and lay there talking or tickling Aiman or Aiman would usually wake up before us and he would climb on our faces and kiss us complete with “maah” (muah) sounds and buckets of drool while NPR broadcasted in the background. We’d start our day just enjoying our time being together.

Now? Well I maintain most of our traditions to keep things consistent for Aiman, but the same magic isn’t there. A huge chunk of our little self is missing and again, that sucks.

And yesterday when he didn’t call or email me I was a wreck with worry because I tend to assume the worst. I should stop being that way; it screams pessimistic like nothing else. Then thought that he might try to surprise us by coming down for the weekend and just hopped on the plane without telling me because he loves to do that sort of thing. I went to bed excited at the possibility of him being here this weekend, but the thought was crushed when I got an email this morning explaining that he was studying at the library. So, no plane. He’s not coming down for the weekend. Boo.

But he’s doing what he should be which is studying. STUDY STUDY STUDY forever! Actually it will be a running theme in our lives for quite some time for the both of us. So don’t act like all of this is a surprise, Amira. You knew it was coming, so just take it as it comes. Also, stop talking in third person.

But it’s okay because I have his clothes, his pictures, and his son here, so he’s somewhat here with me.

Aiman misses him too. The other day he saw a picture of him and lite up yelping “DADADADA!” And in another incident he fell down and starting crying and looking for Saad, which, just omg, stab me in the heart why don’t ya! Oh baby boy, daddy will be here soon. Kind of “soon”.

It broke my heart.

For the next few months, I’m going to follow Dori’s (from Finding Nemo) advise and just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Hopefully water isn’t deep.

Bicker

Laughter

Anger

Love

Looking at them you wouldn’t think twice about their relationship and assume they’re siblings, but little would you suspect that she’s actually his aunt, exactly 8 years older.

Elham, my youngest sister is 13 years younger than me and 10 years younger than Sieda, our middle sister. So needless to say, Sieda and I grew up with the same childhood, being only three years apart. We were each other’s company for our tea parties and took turns being the seeker and sought after in games. We dressed similarly and had the same toys, crushed on the same guys, and experienced the same adventures.

Then 10 years after “us”, a rather random “she” showed up; our baby sister. But she was late. In life. She missed our Disney Land trip and Eids, our friends and our hand-me-down clothes, our cries and laughter. Our childhood.

Sieda and I are now adults while Elham is riding out her younger years. We’re too busy, too stressed, too not-in-the-mood for dress up and hide-n-seek all the time. We worried about graduating, graduate school, jobs, and living expenses while she’s trying to remember to always, always, always carry over the “1″ in multi-digit addition.

So much life between us.

We joke that she’s growing up as an only child, but with despair. It’s sad, really, as she was stuck in a house full of adults and hardly anyone to relate to.

Then Aiman was born -finally! someone to play with!- and she’s no longer the baby of the family. True, there are significant years between them, but she’s still a child and he, evolving into one. They say that babies connect better with children than with adults, that they relate on some magical level; a secret they share in their innocence.

Her nephew is more than a nephew; he’s her friend, her playmate, and the younger sibling she always wanted.

And to him, she’s simply the extra glimmer in his eye.

Elham and Aiman at roughly 6 months old

Note: This piece is meant to show how much Elham and Aiman love and relate to one another and not that we “neglect” her in any way. She’s shown plenty of love, but there’s something special between Elham and Aiman -that’s all I’m saying. Don’t take this the wrong way!

But lately I’ve had the right mind to not only shout through my window, but even call the cops on their ass for utter stupidity and maybe, just maybe, even write down their license plate number just so that the cops can track them down and stuff the law down their throats and up their buttocks to make extra, extra sure they know the kind of danger and idiocy they’re embarking on.

Oh, I didn’t mention what crime people are committing, did I?

So get this: I’ve seen numerous people drive on the freeway/highway and streets with small children in the car WITHOUT SEAT BELTS AND CAR SEATS.

In all seriousness, GASP WITH ME HERE.

I try not to judge, but when there’s a toddler jumping all over your car while you’re driving 60+ miles/hour on the freeway, I’m judging you. When you have a baby sitting on your lap in the passenger’s seat, I’m judging you. When you have what looks like a two year old standing up in his seat and sticking his head out of the window, you better believe that I am definitely judging you.

Now that I have a child, I’m more aware and paranoid about safety, but on this level? It should be common sense! Use your noggin’, people!

If you’re going to put on a seat belt for yourself, then why not your kids? If you’re going to give yourself as much protection in the event of an accident, then why not your kids?

Do you not know how seat belts can save your life? How can you not use common sense and not strap them in? You’re the adult, I don’t care if you wear your belt or not, that’s your issue, but kids? Children? BABIES? You must have lost your mind.

What in the hell is wrong with you?

Not YOU, exactly, but I was on a role.

Now I thought that maybe they can’t afford a car seat, but there’s a Safe Rider’s program in Texas that assists you with obtaining and using a car seat. Then I thought well, maybe they don’t know about it, but then how did they leave the hospital without one? Or go anywhere before now without one? You couldn’t have -shouldn’t have-PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T-drive around holding your newborn/infant in your arms or something.

I don’t know. There could many factors that play into why they didn’t have proper safety precautions, but it’s still not an excuse.

People can be so stupid sometimes.

Aaaaand start!

**************

Aiman is officially walking! Woohoo! Since we started talking him to our aunt’s house his confidence in walking has shot through the roof. I’m sure it’s because he wants to keep up with the kids running around, but little man can walk with a serious pace now. And get this, he pivots! He can walk and then turn a complete 180 and continues walking without breaking his pace, so baby boy is now a real-deal toddler.

It’s amazing. It really, truly is amazing to see him walk to and away from me. He’s like a real miniature human being now or something!

***************

I’ve noticed that I haven’t been reading as much as I used to and that bothers me. Well, I mean, it’s a little late to notice seeing as it’s been a good year or so since I’ve read a really good book. Actually since college. Like four years ago. Should I not say that?

But the thing with me is that I put off reading something I actually want to read until I’ve read everything I need to, like textbooks or articles for school because school is still a huge chunk of my life and will be for a while. So looks like it’s time to put leisure reading back on the priority list.

***************

I also want to start working out again because panting after going up a flight of stairs is not cute. No, not cute at all. So I’m thinking about starting yoga which coordinates beautifully with something else I want to try -mediation. I have to admit that I thought yoga looked pretty easy compared to something like Tae-bo because I judged it by its cover, so to speak, but I understand that a workout doesn’t have to be high-intensity to have results and benefits. So don’t lecture me on it, I am now enlightened.

***************

PBS had a three part series (Tuesday-Thursday) called “This Emotional Life” and I have to say that I have never been more inspired or interested or deeply motivated as before I saw this series. But I’ll admit that I didn’t like part 2; parts 1 and 3 were the best to me, especially part one which talked about relationships in regards to family, friends, and lovers. Guys, it completely opened my eyes and it really deserves a whole post to itself, which it will get because it’s that damn special and worthy.

It was just oh-my-goodness-I-want-to-change-my-life-right-NOW good.

****************

I’ll definitely elaborate more on this after Sunday because we’re trying to squeeze in as much family time as possible before then, but Saad will be starting graduate school in a different city and that one fact alone has shifted a lot things for us. Luckily I have both of our families here, so I won’t be alone with a baby and managing school all by myself but still.

He won’t be here.

We won’t be physically together.

And that kills me.

****************

More on a couple of these things later this week or next, but consider yourself officially updated with my little life. If you really care, that is. Which I assume you sort of care a teeny tiny bit because you’re here?

Yes? No?